Cheney Jokes!
February 14th, 2006 by LA
Oh yes indeed… They’ve begun!
From a great article on Slate:
According to the Corpus Christi Caller-Times, which broke the story of Dick Cheney’s hunting accident, 78-year-old lawyer Harry Whittington has no plans to sue the vice president for shooting him. “This happens, and my God, I’ve never seen a case of hard feelings,” ranch owner and host Katherine Armstrong told reporters. “I bet this would deepen their friendship.”No wonder Brokeback Mountain is bombing in the heartland. Real men don’t surprise each other by falling in love. A true friend accidentally shoots you in the face.
More great jokes in the Slate article…
From Letterman’s Top Ten list last night:
Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses…
…
5. “Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter”4. “I thought the guy was trying to go ‘gay cowboy’ on me”
…
1. “Made a bet with Gretzky’s wife”
The Washington Post catalogued a bunch… Here’s a couple:
…
“The CIA assured Cheney that Harry Whittington was actually a pheasant,” added Democratic speechwriter Jeff Nussbaum.“The worst part is, he was aiming at the special prosecutor,” contributed John Kerry spokesman David Wade…
And finally, Dana Milbank on MSNBC wearing a “blaze orange” hate and reflective hunting vest: [video]
Update: From Mark in comments:
“But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil.” –Jimmy Kimmel“Apparently the reason they didn’t release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That’s never stopped them in the past.” –Craig Ferguson
Update: via Upyernoz, Jon Stewart’s take (C&L video).
Update: Ryan discovered that we’re #3 or #4 for Google searches for “cheney jokes” this morning. Ha!
Update: The Whitehouse Finds Humor in Cheney Hunting Story. Yeah, right.
Update: Wall Street Journal roundup.
Post them here as you come across them today!
***Comments Closed***
February 14th, 2006 at 7:48 am
“But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Apparently the reason they didn’t release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That’s never stopped them in the past.” –Craig Ferguson
February 14th, 2006 at 9:13 am
how about this entire 10 minute video
February 14th, 2006 at 11:28 am
In the first chaotic hours after Cheney shot Harry Whittington, the White House was reluctant to disclose the truth. Here are a few explanations they considered:
1) Ex-FEMA head Michael Brown did it.
2) We’re not disclosing any details because it will give Islamic terrorists ideas.
3) Cheney mistook Whittington for Dan Quayle.
4) Whittington had volunteered to try a new vaccination for avian flu.
5) He was demonstrating the President’s faith-based initiative to “turn the other cheek.”
6) Whittington approached Cheney unannounced from behind.
Never mind hunting rules, Cheney broke the first rule of GOP politics: Don’t shoot big donors.
According to the hospital, Harry Whittington was barely scratched by Cheney’s broadside. He ended up in Intensive Care due to multiple dog bites after the VP’s bird dogs tried to drag the wounded man back to Cheney.
On the bright side, Rumsfeld called a hasty press conference to announce that the Pentagon’s found a way to make the operationally challenged star wars missile defense system 100-percent accurate… They’ll just hand Cheney a loaded shotgun and tell him the nuclear warheads are incoming lawyers.
Naturally, the biggest impact of the shooting has been on White House staffers who now yell at the top of their lungs and wave their arms madly every time they approach Cheney from behind: Yoo-hoo, it’s just us over here, sir!! On your right, Mr. Vice President!!!
We don’t need to worry about Mr. Whittington, the White House assured us, because the VP travels 24/7 with a crackerjack team of specialists. Within minutes of the shooting, Whittington was whisked off by CIA jet to a top-notch facility in Afghanistan.
Yep, they’re tough in Texas, alright. After Cheney peppered the old bird, it took 24 hours straight before Whittington confessed that he sneaked up behind the VP wearing a Jack Abramoff mask and yelled, “PHOTO OP!”
February 14th, 2006 at 11:28 am
In the first chaotic hours after Cheney shot Harry Whittington, the White House was reluctant to disclose the truth. Here are a few explanations they considered:
1) Ex-FEMA head Michael Brown did it.
2) We’re not disclosing any details because it will give Islamic terrorists ideas.
3) Cheney mistook Whittington for Dan Quayle.
4) Whittington had volunteered to try a new vaccination for avian flu.
5) He was demonstrating the President’s faith-based initiative to “turn the other cheek.”
6) Whittington approached Cheney unannounced from behind.
Never mind hunting rules, Cheney broke the first rule of GOP politics: Don’t shoot big donors.
According to the hospital, Harry Whittington was barely scratched by Cheney’s broadside. He ended up in Intensive Care due to multiple dog bites after the VP’s bird dogs tried to drag the wounded man back to Cheney.
On the bright side, Rumsfeld called a hasty press conference to announce that the Pentagon’s found a way to make the operationally challenged star wars missile defense system 100-percent accurate… They’ll just hand Cheney a loaded shotgun and tell him the nuclear warheads are incoming lawyers.
Naturally, the biggest impact of the shooting has been on White House staffers who now yell at the top of their lungs and wave their arms madly every time they approach Cheney from behind: Yoo-hoo, it’s just us over here, sir!! On your right, Mr. Vice President!!!
We don’t need to worry about Mr. Whittington, the White House assured us, because the VP travels 24/7 with a crackerjack team of specialists. Within minutes of the shooting, Whittington was whisked off by CIA jet to a top-notch facility in Afghanistan.
Yep, they’re tough in Texas, alright. After Cheney peppered the old bird, it took 24 hours straight before Whittington confessed that he sneaked up behind the VP wearing a Jack Abramoff mask and yelled, “PHOTO OP!”
February 14th, 2006 at 12:05 pm
[…] « Cheney Jokes! […]
February 14th, 2006 at 12:25 pm
da bomb
the liberal avenger is trying to assemble all the best dick cheney jokes…
February 14th, 2006 at 12:46 pm
[…] . . . for people to link his Dick Cheney Jokes post. We’re coming up strong in Google (#3 or #4) for the search “cheney jokes,” but will lose it before long… Please post a link to this URL: […]
February 14th, 2006 at 1:04 pm
This is why you wackos can’t even get Cindy Sheehan or Willy Nelson to accept your bucks and your endorsement for office.
You’re conviced that winning America’s hearts, minds and votes is all about conspiracy theories, pebble throwing, pie slinging, free way blogging and stand up comedians.
Like John Kerry…
*Always willing to sacrifice sanity for the sake of consistency…
February 14th, 2006 at 1:13 pm
i can’t speak for the others, BRT, but i don’t think this cheney thing has much to do with winning america’s hearts and minds. i’m just doing it for fun.
February 14th, 2006 at 2:02 pm
Hey, BRT, Cheney jokes are funny. At least Liberal Avenger isn’t a hypocrite like those jerks over at Democratic Underground: they’ve decided it’s okay for everyone to make fun of Cheney, but the height of bad taste for members of the executive branch or the Republican party to do so.
Anyway, I only wish that there had been a camera present. Then we could do the great Presidential montage: Bush’s malapropisms, Clinton lecturing on what “is” is, the stained dress, Ford tumbling down the stairs, Carter beating to death that rabbit, Carter with lust in his heart, Carter wearing a sweater…
Because the guy didn’t die (yet), it’s funny. Laugh it up, liberals. You’ve been a laughing stock a party since 1994. Now’s your chance to give some back.
February 14th, 2006 at 2:08 pm
Oh goodness, a game.
February 14th, 2006 at 3:08 pm
“Laugh it up, liberals. You’ve been a laughing stock a party since 1994.”
Right, Fritz-at least. I’m thinking about 15 years longer however…
February 14th, 2006 at 4:15 pm
After the V.P. shot Mr. Whittington and no WMDs were found, all the VP’s advisors agreed that Mr. Whittington posed a credible threat at the time.
After the V.P. shot Mr. Whittington, Haliburton was awarded a no-bid contract to rebuild his law practice in Austin.
After the V.P. shot at quail and hit Mr. Whittington, eyewitnesses blamed faulty intelligence.
The V.P.’s medical team, who came to the victim’s assistance started an I.V. and had the paddles charged before they realized it was a gunshot wound instead of the usual heart attack.
The V.P.’s staff immediately tried to blame the shooting on Scooter Libby who is already dead meat.
DEMOCRAT SPIN
Immediately after the news of the shooting broke, the Democrats blamed high powered Washington Lobbyists.
Immediately after the news of the shooting was leaked, the Democrats blamed conservative talk radio hosts.
Immediately after the news of the shooting was leaked, the Democrats started researching Mr. Whittington’s family tree, hoping to prove that he was an African-American.
Immediately after the news of the shooting broke, the Democrats blamed unqualified Republican political appointees.
HOW THE STORY WAS INTRODUCED ON SENSATIONALIST TV
Vice President Dick Cheney shot a man today. This is the first time he shot someone with witnesses who would talk.
V.P. DC shot a man in the head today. Afterwards the man was found to possess only conventional weapons.
VPDC shot a prominent Texas Attorney in the head today. The victim’s connection to Al Queda is unclear.
A Texas man survived being shot by VPDC today. He is the first known survivor of an armed attack by the Vice President.
February 14th, 2006 at 8:22 pm
Dick Cheney’s top 10 excuses for shooting fellow hunter Harry Whittington
Snagged from smirkingchimp.com:
10. Sick and tired of Whittington’s “Hey, I’m having a heart attack” jokes
9. Pushed over edge by Dixie Chicks and Streisand blasting on pick-up truck stereo
8. Ongoing dispute over whether it’s acceptable to torture quail before
shooting them
7. Thought he saw Scooter Libby on other side of tree line
6. Bombed out of his gourd on Wild Turkey and Lone Star Beer
5. Companion’s ill-advised decision to wear Moveon.org sweatshirt
4. Was trying to impress Jodie Foster
3. Whittington’s repeated ribbing that Bush is actually the “real president”
2. Targeting scope on rifle made by Halliburton
And the number one excuse given by Dick Cheney for almost blowing away
hunting companion Harry Whittington…
1. Because he’s a wartime vice president, damn it
February 14th, 2006 at 8:34 pm
If you’re taking the lead on this, here’s a chain email I got:
“The Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS)
“Good news ladies and gentleman, we have finally located weapons of mass
destruction … It’s Dick Cheney.”
* * *
“We can’t get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney.”
* * *
“Honestly, I don’t know what all of the fuss is about. What’s more American
than shooting your hunting buddy in the ass?”
* * *
“The guy who got gunned down is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican
donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash.
So he’s fine. He took a little in the wallet.”
* * *
From “Cheney’s Excuses,” Monday night’s Top 10 list: “I thought the guy was
trying to go gay cowboy on me.”
“The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” (Comedy Central)
A partial transcript:
Jon Stewart: “Yes, as you’ve just heard, a near-tragedy over the weekend in
south Texas. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a
quail hunt at a political supporter’s ranch. Making 78-year-old Harry
Whittington the first person shot by a sitting VP since Alexander Hamilton.
“Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor,
integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.
* * *
The other player in the drama? Ranch owner and eyewitness Katharine
Armstrong.
Katharine Armstrong: “We were shooting a covey of quail. The vice president
and two others got out of the car to walk up the covey.”
Jon Stewart: “What kind of hunting story begins with getting out of your
car? As I sighted the great beast before us, my shaking hands could barely
engage the parking brake. Slowly, I turned off the A/C and silenced my
sub-woofers…”
* * *
Katharine Armstrong: “A bird flushed. The vice president took aim at the
bird and shot and unfortunately, Mr. Whittington was in the line of fire and
got peppered pretty well.”
Jon Stewart: “Peppered. There you have it. Harry Whittington, seasoned to
within an inch of his life.
* * *
Jon Stewart: “I’m joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap
analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is
the vice president handling it?
Rob Corddry: “Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to
shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there
were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were
quail in the brush.
“And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that
today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the
face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot
throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington’s face.”
Jon Stewart: “But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird,
why would he still have shot him?”
Rob Corddry: “Jon, in a post-9-11 world, the American people expect their
leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have
sent a message to the quail that America is weak.”
Jon Stewart: “That’s horrible.”
Rob Corddry: “Look, the mere fact that we’re even talking about how the vice
president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot farm-raised
wingless quail-tards is letting the quail know ‘how’ we’re hunting them. I’m
sure right now those birds are laughing at us in that little ‘covey’ of
theirs.
Jon Stewart: “I’m not sure birds can laugh, Rob.”
Rob Corddry: “Well, whatever it is they do … coo .. they’re cooing at us
right now, Jon, because here we are talking openly about our plans to hunt
them. Jig is up. Quails one, America zero.
Jon Stewart: “Okay, well, on a purely human level, is the vice president at
least sorry?”
Rob Corddry: “Jon, what difference does it make? The bullets are already in
this man’s face. Let’s move forward across party lines as a people … to
get him some sort of mask.”
“Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC)
Among the jokes in consideration for Monday’s telecast:
“It’s part of the president’s new Social Security plan. Once you hit 78,
kablamo.”
* * *
“Luckily, the guy he shot was wearing the body armor that never got shipped
to the troops.”
* * *
“You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an
old man in the face, 6 more weeks of winter.”
“The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” (NBC)
“Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been
atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. Dick Cheney
accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear.”
* * *
“When people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92%”
* * *
“After he shot the guy, he screamed, ‘Anyone else want to call domestic wire
tapping illegal?’ ”
* * *
“Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick
Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him?”
* * *
“Cheney’s defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy.
Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House
since Bill Clinton.”
February 15th, 2006 at 12:38 am
Never mind hunting rules, Cheney broke the first rule of GOP politics: Don’t shoot big donors. Karl Rove’s first question: Did the shot break the skin of his wallet?
Meanwhile, the Democratic leadership sent Cheney a beautiful box of assorted shells for Valentine’s Day.
February 15th, 2006 at 7:25 am
hehe
February 16th, 2006 at 3:31 am
apparently, Cheney had a valid Texas hunting license, however, he didn’t have the proper stamp required for shooting old men
February 16th, 2006 at 4:00 am
Questions about the 3 hour delay from the shooting and the hospital arrival
The hostess of this hunting party stated that Harry was shot at about 5:30.
The hospital spokesperson stated that Harry was admitted to the hospital at 8:30 at night.
Why the 3-hour delay?
Theory 1: President insisted on finishing a children’s book first.
Theory 2: Brownie notified Chertoff; Chertoff called Rove; Rove drafted press release blaming Mayor and Governor for not sending a bus; President sent on vacation to cut brush.
Theory 3: VP rushed to undisclosed location.
Theory 4: People worried what other trigger VP could pull by accident.
Theory 5: VP consultation with NRA. Invited Abramoff, Oil Industry, Halliburton and other undisclosed buddies for help.
Theory 6: Harry had picture taken with Abramoff.
Theory 7: Medicare drug plan confusion.
Theory 8: FEMA red-tape.
Theory 9: Congressional failure to adopt social security reform.
Theory 10: VP had heart attack when he ran the 90 feet to help Harry; to be disclosed next Sunday.
Theory 11: Reality-based liberal delusion - President issued secret order to set back clocks 3 hours; no need for court or congressional approval.
Theory 12: VP wanted to finish hunting quail.
Theroy 13: They were trying to figure how to stage this as a terrorist attack
Theroy 14: The powers that be had to first issue a no-bid contract to Halliburton to provide the ambulance service, and the cost will probably be triple-billed.
Theroy 15: Tried reports of a second gunman on a grassy knoll, but couldn’t find a knoll close enough.
Theroy 16: 3 hours to get the old blood alcohol levels down?
Theroy 17: Was checking Harry’s political affiliation.
Theroy 18: The Clinton defense failed the laugh test even for this crowd, but it took 3 hrs.
Theroy 19: Spent 2 1/2 hours posing with Cheney’s first confirmed hit.
Theroy 20: Spent 3 hrs convincing Cheney lawyers are never in season.
February 19th, 2006 at 5:22 pm
[…] More jokes here. […]
March 27th, 2006 at 5:26 pm
enjoy.
July 24th, 2006 at 11:58 am
Thought you might enjoy this new video, with fits right in with the stuff on this blog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9A4bveZxrBM
Enjoy.