The Deathbed Joke Project
May 8th, 2006 by LAI watched Gandhi again the other day - one of my favorite movies. At the end of Gandhi, when he was assassinated, his last words, which were recorded for all time, were, “Oh god!”
Yawn.
Now imagine if instead of “Oh god!” Gandhi said, “60 years of urine drinking for this?”
Now that would have been funny!
This has got me thinking… We’re all going to disappear from life’s stage at some point and while the majority of us will likely not have the opportunity to utter something pithy at the last moment, some of us most definitely will. In any event, we should all be prepared.
I am creating this thread - The Deathbed Joke Project - to collect and record suggestions for the funniest “final words” from which we can all pick a few to memorize and pledge to use at the right moment if and when it comes.
We’ve got a pretty creative and funny crowd of commenters here - including BRT. (In fact, we’d better get moving on this project quickly for BRT’s sake. We don’t want him going out saying something stupid like “moonbat grotto guano” - final words like those will only raise eyebrows to the crowd assembled around him when he slumps over on his Greeter’s chair at Wal-Mart… How about “Pull my finger” for BRT? I’d laugh.)
I’d like to bring Norb and TBogg and the AssParrot and a few of the other A-list humorists in on this as well.
Everyone should have their own final moment utterance memorized and stored away for that special moment - and it had better goddamn well be funny. None of this, “Tell the kids I love them,” bullshit.
Let’s get to work.
[Blogging friends - please link to this post. Thanks.]
***Comments Closed***
May 8th, 2006 at 11:45 pm
Better to have several prepared. After all, what if you issue your funny bon mot and some damn ER tech revivies you? Now everyone knows what you’re going to say the next time. Best to have a list of them so you can cross them off after close calls.
May 8th, 2006 at 11:56 pm
really we should all have our pre=chosen last words printed on a bracelet that we wear all the time. that way we can still say them after we forget everything else. and we can designate a loved one to recite the joke in case we become incapacitated
May 9th, 2006 at 12:28 am
“Hey! Jesus just tried to feel my ass!” *dies*
“I want to leave my massive gay porn collection … to Porter Goss …” *kicks bucket*
“Gambling’s a sin and Pascal’s in Hell …” *slips mortal coil*
“Why the fuck did I vote for Nader in 2000?” *exits*
“BEEPBOOPBEEBOP … I’m really a robot!” *shuts down*
“At least … I don’t have to go … to another funeral … for somebody I never liked …” *kicks it*
“Will there be ponies in Heaven?” *hits the trail*
“Heh. Indeed. Bury it all.” *logs off*
May 9th, 2006 at 1:12 am
The reigning champeen is still Oscar Wilde:
“Either that wallpaper goes, or I do!”
I don’t frankly know how you’d top that.
May 9th, 2006 at 1:53 am
Of course, in matters of death and dying, context is king.
However, I have this sinking feeling that when I do finally take my last breath something really stupid and trivial will pop into my head instead of something witty and timeless.
You know, something along the lines of “Mmm, ointment” or “Hey, I finally figured out that 3bulls joke!” or “Dustbunnies…must kill dustbunnies” or “Did that cashier give me the correct change?” etc.
Or even worse, some damn advertising jingle or awful pop phrase will pop into my head.
You get the sad disappointing picture.
May 9th, 2006 at 3:47 am
“Hey, I finally figured out that 3bulls joke!”
I’m pretty sure lying while on your deathbed is a mortal sin.
May 9th, 2006 at 6:06 am
I may have been sucked into some legend here, but these were supposedly Karl Marx’s last words:
“Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.”
If I were to die soon, the last thing I would ever do is point to the nearest person to me and say “I never liked you.”
May 9th, 2006 at 8:16 am
“What a rip-off!”
May 9th, 2006 at 8:21 am
“I think I left the kettle on.”
May 9th, 2006 at 8:21 am
“I hid the money under the Big W.”
May 9th, 2006 at 8:31 am
“This LSD shit sure is crazy!”
May 9th, 2006 at 9:08 am
“come closer, my children. closer. closer dammit! i gotta tell you something. something i’ve hidden from the family for years. this is very important, so listen carefully. under the…”
(you know, just to fuck with the family one last time)
“avenge me”
as shingles said, context is everything. “avenge me” is only good if you die of colon cancer.
May 9th, 2006 at 9:18 am
Is that Grey Poupon?
May 9th, 2006 at 9:19 am
“Fuck You”
“Go to Hell”
“Suck my dick”
“Lick my asshole”
“Love to Love You Baby”
“I can’t breath”
“I don’t know where I’m going”
May 9th, 2006 at 9:34 am
“I’ve seen the Light”
“My whole life is flashing before my eyes”
“Take this job and shove it”
“I’m never coming back”
“I hope I never see you again”
“Stick a fork in it”
“I’m Toast”
“I’ve never felt better”
“Take me out to the ball game”
“Life is not a bowl of cherries”
“I feel like I’m really going somewhere”
“I don’t need you anymore”
“I’m moving on”
“I’m never looking back”
I’ve got my whole life ahead of me”
“I need to get laid”
“What’s on TV tonight?”
“See you later”
“Life sucks”
“I can’t wait to see what comes next”
“I’ll miss you”
“Please feed the cat”
“I’m paying for this with my life”
I’d give my right arm to live another day”
May 9th, 2006 at 9:36 am
“Now this is what I call a snooze button!”
May 9th, 2006 at 10:00 am
“I never did manage to do anything about Pants…”
May 9th, 2006 at 10:16 am
“You’re killing me”
May 9th, 2006 at 10:46 am
“Rosebud”
May 9th, 2006 at 10:49 am
“Give me Liberty of give me … no, wait! Haven’t you ever heard of hyperbole?!?”
May 9th, 2006 at 10:58 am
Is rigor mortis setting in or am I glad to see you?
May 9th, 2006 at 11:08 am
“What the fuck happened to the immortality and robot servants they promised us in the 50s?”
May 9th, 2006 at 11:09 am
“Is blogger back up yet?”
May 9th, 2006 at 11:20 am
“Pull my finger”
May 9th, 2006 at 11:52 am
“It’s about fucking time”
~
May 9th, 2006 at 12:09 pm
“Bring it on”
“Mission Accomplished”
“This is the worst day of my life”
“I’ve never been happier”
“Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned”
“I wish it would all go away”
May 9th, 2006 at 12:14 pm
“Bring me the body of Ted Williams!”
“This is the corniest thing I’ve ever done.”
“I killed OJ’s wife!”
“I should never have called that law professor a cobag.”
“President Adam Yoshida?!”
“Oops! I crapped my pants!”
“Please have my body bronzed.”
“Wheeee!!!!”
May 9th, 2006 at 12:26 pm
“smurf!”
May 9th, 2006 at 12:27 pm
[…] Liberal Avenger has a project for you. Go now! […]
May 9th, 2006 at 12:45 pm
There’s always the Henny Youngman route:
“I just flew into the light, and boy are my arms tired”
“Take my life, please!”
“Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?”
Of course this route can often result in a premature death, as your relatives might smother you to death with a pillow just to shut you up.
Which, come to think of it, is itself funny.
May 9th, 2006 at 12:51 pm
I hate Bucky Dent.
This is not what I meant when I said “I want to get laid”
Oh shit! Tom Cruise was right!
Can I keep this nightie?
May 9th, 2006 at 12:56 pm
Is that a real scythe or a Sears scythe?
May 9th, 2006 at 1:19 pm
Weirdest thing… God just told me nurses can’t get into heaven unless they’ve had sex with someone on his deathbed. Odd rule…
APS
May 9th, 2006 at 1:19 pm
Disclaimer:
I know sexual harassment of nurses is a serious problem, and I apologize for making light of it, but I just couldn’t think of another joke.
APS
May 9th, 2006 at 1:23 pm
So much for getting the pizza there on time.
May 9th, 2006 at 1:27 pm
LOL… my dad has always said that he wants to be mumified and bronzed then put in a museum with a tape recording of him saying “Hey kid! Hands off the glass! Don’t you have any respect for the dead?!” that would be wired into the security system so that it would go off anytime someone touched the glass.
That just reminded me of it.
May 9th, 2006 at 1:37 pm
Hey, so I really am taking those secrets to the grave…
May 9th, 2006 at 1:39 pm
My other ride is the Valkyrie’s winged horse.
May 9th, 2006 at 1:44 pm
Xenu?
May 9th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
Does anyone here like Abba?
May 9th, 2006 at 1:59 pm
“I’m dying and I can’t get up”
“I can’t wait to get this over with”
“I’m going to burn in hell forever”
“I’ve seen better days”
“I’m losing my mind”
“BRT is an asshole”
May 9th, 2006 at 2:11 pm
Does this death bed make me look fat?
May 9th, 2006 at 2:14 pm
hahahahahahahahaha
That’s the first one of these I’ve laughed out loud at. Bravo, sirk.
APS
May 9th, 2006 at 2:20 pm
“I am Gary Ruppert.”
May 9th, 2006 at 2:37 pm
“Hasta la vista, cobagz!”
May 9th, 2006 at 2:52 pm
My real name is…
The will is hidden…
You’re all adopted…
I never loved you, honey…
We were never legally married.
May 9th, 2006 at 3:40 pm
“Hey, y’all, watch this!”
May 9th, 2006 at 3:54 pm
“I want to be reincarnated as Camilla Parker Bowles’ tampon”
May 9th, 2006 at 3:54 pm
Worst day ever, what do you think….
May 9th, 2006 at 3:56 pm
“You won’t have Dick Nixon to kick around any more”
“I forgot to sign my loyalty oath”
May 9th, 2006 at 3:59 pm
“You have all been handling my ass pennies.”
May 9th, 2006 at 4:00 pm
It looks like I picked the wrong day to quit drinking.
May 9th, 2006 at 4:02 pm
“All things considered, I haven’t been nearly drunk enough.”
May 9th, 2006 at 4:03 pm
“Donate my body to pseudoscience!”
May 9th, 2006 at 4:11 pm
Wel nowl, this give lifetime guarantee a whole new meaning.
May 9th, 2006 at 4:21 pm
“Yeah, yeah… another open thread.”
May 9th, 2006 at 4:23 pm
[Looking into camera set on record.]
“Rush Limbaugh and OxyContin changed my death!”
[With twinkling eyes/teeth, Limbaugh, on behalf of Purdue Pharma, hands multi-million dollar check to my next of kin.]
May 9th, 2006 at 4:34 pm
“Wait until you see how much of my IRS debt you’re going to have to assume. Man, I’d rather die.”
May 9th, 2006 at 4:36 pm
“Don’t shoot the bleach!”
May 9th, 2006 at 4:38 pm
Very little can top Oscar Wilde, or the “Does this deathbed make me look fat?” line, but I’ll try:
1) “I buried it all under the arrrrghhhhh…”
2) (Pretend to see dead loved ones, just to mess people up)
3) “Isn’t that Bruce Willis?”
4) Damn, and just 100 points more to get an extra life.”
May 9th, 2006 at 4:39 pm
zadig–
I really like the one about needing 100 points for an extra life.
May 9th, 2006 at 4:40 pm
“If there’s anything on the other side, I’ll send you a message in a fortune cookie.”
“He really IS George Burns!”
“I’ll be right back.”
“I smell curry.”
May 9th, 2006 at 4:48 pm
“Look, I’ll pay ya for it, what the f_ck.”—David Lee Roth
May 9th, 2006 at 4:57 pm
Oh, great. Mormons.
May 9th, 2006 at 5:21 pm
“My god … it’s full of clowns.”
May 9th, 2006 at 5:33 pm
“Just one more thing….”
~
May 9th, 2006 at 5:33 pm
“Oh shit, there really IS a God…”
“And thus the First Seal is opened!”
“Don’t leave me on Genesis, you bastards!”
May 9th, 2006 at 5:40 pm
“I’m going to haunt the SHIT out of you.”
“I see a light… Ah, just kidding.”
“Shit, I’m going to miss the Simpsons series finale.”
“If you thought Poltergeist was scary, just wait.”
“Somebody just asked me if I had any bags to check. I guess you CAN take it with you!”
“Oh, no. Heaven smells like cat box.”
“Wow, we really DO get 72 virgins!”
May 9th, 2006 at 5:42 pm
“Huh. I didn’t know St. Peter was a homo.”
May 9th, 2006 at 5:47 pm
“Moronsayswhat.”
May 9th, 2006 at 5:48 pm
To quote Bob Knight:
“I want they should bury me upside, so all my critics can kiss my ass”
My original contribution:
“I see chocolate covered super models!”
May 9th, 2006 at 5:51 pm
What?!? The Mormons were right? Everyone move to Utah!
-Blatantly stolen from South Park
May 9th, 2006 at 5:56 pm
“Shit, I’m going to miss the Simpsons series finale.”
DIE you ignorant moonbat sonofabitch……..
May 9th, 2006 at 6:06 pm
Ooops. My bad.
http://www.salon.com/ent/col/mill/1999/06/01/finales/index2.html
.
May 9th, 2006 at 6:09 pm
“Quick, somebody pimp my ride.”
“I have unpaid parking tickets. I win.”
“Well, Pat Robertson was right about one thing…”
“What the… Jesus IS black!”
May 9th, 2006 at 6:12 pm
“Get OFF the oxygen tu-”
“I leave all my money to the one who weeps the hardest at my funeral.”
“lā ilāhā illā-llāhu; muhammadu rasūlu-llāhi.” or “There is no god but Allah; Muhammad is the Prophet” (Obviously, most useful if you haven’t been a Muslim all your life)
“No! No! Not the same pit of fire as Nixen and Reagan!”
May 9th, 2006 at 6:16 pm
It’s hard to improve on these last words:
Tallulah Bankhead: “bourbon . . . codeine. . . ”
George Kelly: “My dear, before you kiss me good-bye, fix your hair. It’s a mess”
James Thurber: “God Bless . . . Goddamn. . . “
May 9th, 2006 at 6:19 pm
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do…..
All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up…
I can’t wait for the sequel…
It’s okay. I was getting pretty bored anyway….
At least I won’t have to worry about any more Star Wars movies being made….
Did I leave the iron on….
I blame society….
I never knew no freakin’ Yorick, Horatio….
May 9th, 2006 at 6:34 pm
“Yeah, but I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.”
I had a friend who really said this on his deathbead.
May 9th, 2006 at 7:32 pm
My God, it’s full of stars…
May 9th, 2006 at 7:37 pm
actually, the words he said were “he ram” which doesn’t really translate to “oh god”, but many argue that it was meant as a metaphorical fuck you to the hindu zealot who shot him. besides, the man was blinkered by his own faith in humanity. he thought hitler could be dealt with through non-violence, if only the citizenry would resist for christ’s sake. anyway, on to the task at hand:
“you can’t always get what you want, and then you die”
“if you little fuckers freeze me, i;m gonna piss on your graves when i am reanimated”
“don’t touch my stuff”
May 9th, 2006 at 7:43 pm
Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape!
May 9th, 2006 at 7:53 pm
“Never order a margarita in a Chinese restaurant”
“They said I had to have a jacket and tie to get in”
“The dyslexic was right, God is a Dog!”
“Not only is God black, but SHE’s a lesbian, and boy, is she pissed”
May 9th, 2006 at 8:08 pm
“I thought they were psilocybin…”
May 9th, 2006 at 8:16 pm
“I loved it. It was much better than Cats. I’m going to see it again and again.”
May 9th, 2006 at 8:21 pm
God is short for Godwin?
May 9th, 2006 at 8:35 pm
Don’t worry, it’s just a flesh wound.
May 9th, 2006 at 9:20 pm
All these words are yours to use - except Europa.
May 9th, 2006 at 9:34 pm
“I wish I spent more time at the office.”
May 9th, 2006 at 9:38 pm
I told you those oysters tasted funny.
May 9th, 2006 at 10:03 pm
I’ve always practiced my last words. I assume I’ll die in a car or motorcycle wreck. For years it was “Tell my wife I love her” so it would soothe the people around me. Then they would tell my family who’d say, “He’s not married”.
Then I blew it by marrying a friend so I’d have health care. I’ve been trying to think of another set of last words but haven’t found anything good yet. I’ll try to get my body bronzed though and totally rip that idea off. “Hey kid! Hands off the glass! Don’t you have any respect for the dead?!”
May 9th, 2006 at 10:19 pm
“Ze Goggles they do noting”
May 9th, 2006 at 10:27 pm
“Mr. Bond! We can do a deal! I’ll buy you a delicatessen - in stainless steel! Mr. Bond? Mr. Boooooooooooooooooooooooonnnd…”
May 9th, 2006 at 10:27 pm
“I haven’t felt this bad since the Anita Bryant concert.” (Airplane)
May 9th, 2006 at 10:29 pm
“Did you hear about the farmer? He’s out standing in his field.”
May 9th, 2006 at 10:51 pm
“I can’t believe this is happening to me. Am I dreaming? Somebody pinch me. Better yet, somebody shoot me in the face.” (Colbert)
May 9th, 2006 at 11:24 pm
“I’m spent, truly”
May 9th, 2006 at 11:57 pm
“You get way more pussy when you’re born …”
“Talk to the corpse!”
May 10th, 2006 at 12:11 am
Sometimes, context is the best part. I was sitting at the bedside of my dying 92 year old grandfather. My grandmother was fluttering all around him and then left the room. He looked up at me and said, “My god she is driving me crazy”.
May 10th, 2006 at 1:09 am
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
May 10th, 2006 at 1:11 am
My will? I was just fucking around with that last version. Go get it, would you?
May 10th, 2006 at 1:17 am
I saw you do it. You know what I mean. One day you’ll answer for it too.
May 10th, 2006 at 1:24 am
Cough. Come closer, over here. Come closer. cough. closer. i can barely speak…AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
May 10th, 2006 at 1:34 am
Doctor be damned. Let’s arm-wrestle.
May 10th, 2006 at 1:39 am
So far so g-
May 10th, 2006 at 1:46 am
Gimme a D! Gimme an I! Gimme an E! Whatsat spell?
May 10th, 2006 at 5:00 am
“Would you look at all those fundies….. AW FUCK , I’m going to hell”
“Will there be pie?”
” I knew I should have taken a cab..”
May 10th, 2006 at 7:06 am
I spent most of my money on hookers and drugs. The rest I just wasted.