First of all, I’d like to offer a warning to all of my loyal readers: if you ever find yourself drinking at Jonah Goldberg’s house, DO NOT, under any circumstances, allow yourself to pass out. I’m just glad he left my eyebrows intact.

As for today’s topic of discussion, it’s Iran. Specifically, the necessity of invading it.

I can hear the bedwetters now, mewling about the folly of invading Iran whilst losing in Iraq. There are 2 reasons why this position is wrong:

1. We’re not losing in Iraq, we’re winning. Don’t let the Frenchmen at the New York Times confuse you with their stories about how the security situation is so bad that they can’t move around the country. The security situation is only bad in narrow ring surrounding the Green Zone. The rest of the country is as placid as ancient Thebes.
2. Flypaper. It worked in Iraq. Al-Qaeda was a joke in Iraq before we arrived. Now the flies have buzzed in from all over the world. There’s so many people shooting at our troops and murdering the locals, you’d think they were springing up right there in Iraq! But that would be silly.
3. We can’t let the terrorists win. If I have to explain to you why this means we have to invade Iran, then you’re beyond hope. So I won’t waste my time.
4. As I’ve pointed out in the past, the bombing of the al-Askari mosque was the turning point. Clearly, the Iraqi militias have stepped up and are now taking responsibility for security. Since they’re standing up, we can stand around.
5. How many reasons did I say there were? Let’s focus on flypaper.

It will work this way: the flies that are now stuck on our paper in Iraq will become unstuck as we redeploy to Iran. They’ll fly to our new flypaper in Iran, and become restuck. And all the money we pissed away in Iraq will be paid back with interest using oil revenues from Iran.

Allow me to draw a parallel from ancient history. The city of Troy successfully used the “flypaper” strategy against the Athenians. The Athenians cowered in a giant wooden horse, which the Trojans towed into the city, which was virtually covered in flypaper. Leftists like Cassandra warned them that no good could come from the flypaper strategy, but the Trojans knew better. Once the Trojans were asleep, the Athenians crept out of the wooden horse and…

OK. That was a bad example. As the great Spartan King Archidamus II once said:

If we undertake the war without preparation, we should by hastening its commencement only delay its conclusion.

Clearly, Archidamus II had no idea what he was talking about. Common sense tells you that time lost in preparation is time that could have been spent defeating the enemy. So let’s just invade Iran, OK?

**********

I am so hung over. Jonah Goldberg’s “Pantload Punch” really packs a whallop. Now that I’ve solved our little problem in Iraq, I think I’ll have a manshake and take a little nap.

This entry by V. D. Hansen was posted on Saturday, April 1st, 2006 at 1:34 pm and is filed under Wingnuttery. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.