When Coalition troops were sent off to Iraq, wise presidential counselers like Richard Perle speculated that they would soon find vast stockpiles of anthrax, risin, sarin gas, nuclear warheads, sweets, and flowers.

Leftist commentators had a great time ridiculing our President when the stockpiles failed to materialize in the initial three years of occupation. But now, happily, our leaders have been vindicated and the neo-communist bastards can just shut their traps.

Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera has gone into Tikrit and uncovered a large stockpile of sweets and flowers, completely overlooked by the ineffectual UNSCOM weapons inspectors.

As usual, I’ve found a parallel in ancient Greek history.

Just before the onset of the Archidamian War, Archidamus II assured his fellow Athenians that they would be greeted with sweets and flowers as they entered Athens. Instead, the Spartans found only a defenseless, plague-ridden city, and fear of the plague caused them to foolishly “cut and run.”

Had the Spartans “stayed the course,” braving the plague that killed 1/4 of the Athenians, they would have found their sweets and flowers. And when they returned to shower their booty on wives and concubines, most of the Athenian soldiers would surely have gotten laid.

I mean, we’re talking about sweets and flowers here.

So we find that the entire adventure has been well worth the cost. At the expense of just over 2,300 American pawns soldiers, and less than a trillion dollars, we’ve uncovered enough sweets and flowers to satisfy our women until next St. Valentine’s day, and smoked tens of thousands of Arabs in the process.

As for the weapons of mass destruction, who really cares? That’s not what the war was about. As Dr. Freud might say, sometimes a nuclear missile is just a nuclear missile.

This entry by V. D. Hansen was posted on Saturday, April 1st, 2006 at 3:43 am and is filed under Wingnuttery. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.